Correct the imbalance in a couple is possible. The main thing is that they both want it.
What’s the problem?
People in relationships very often fall into the passion trap. It occurs when one partner is emotionally invested in the relationship more than the other. And the correlation is reversed: the more in love the first partner is, the less the second partner is. By the way, if you are looking for your life partner eden christian dating site will help you with it.
The partner who is more in love is in the position of the weakest, and the partner who is less in love is in the position of the strongest.
On why the harmony in the relationship is broken, says clinical psychologist and bestselling author of “The Passion Paradox. Dean Delis. His theory he created on the basis of personal experience and clinical practice, examples of which he devotes a considerable amount of pages of his book.
Why does one partner become strong and the other weak?
One partner takes the position of weakness when he or she is afraid of rejection. Usually at the beginning of a relationship both feel this way. But the weaker ones try harder to please: they dress up, give expensive gifts, arrange surprises, try to please, take an active interest in everything their partner is interested in. Their goal is to get emotional power over the other half.
And if they succeed, the roles are reversed: the strong partner falls in love more and becomes weak himself. And the one who was originally weak becomes strong as there is no one else to win over and his passion begins to fade.
Does the trap of passion arise in all relationships?
Relationships are dynamic, not static. They are constantly changing, so the risk of falling into the trap exists. People’s first feelings of falling in love are the same: an excited state and a “loss of head.
The person is in euphoria, and the fear of being rejected is the main cause of obsession and jealousy. As long as the person is not convinced of his partner’s love, he is powerless, he is inflamed by passion, he counts the minutes between meetings and pays attention to the slightest shades of behavior.
A declaration of love is a very risky step, and one that one dares to take when the partner gives a number of encouraging hints. If he responded to the confession and both partners are confident in each other’s love, a harmonious relationship ensues.
Why does disharmony arise?
The reality is far from a fairy tale. A frequent companion of romantic attachment is the fear of being rejected. This fear is fueled by disharmony in the relationship, which can arise for a variety of reasons.
An imbalance occurs if one partner is more attractive to the other: more attractive, cheerful, confident, erudite, successful, talented, young, rich.
The second factor, which the author names, is situational disharmony, when there are differences in the lifestyle of the wife and husband (for example, the birth of a child). And another reason is the disharmony of individual characteristics, when one partner is more reserved and the other is more ardent.
These are the factors that lead to entrapment. Since we are all different and our lives are unpredictable, the occurrence of passion trap in a relationship becomes a very likely event.
What distinguishes the strong party in a relationship?
The strong decide whether to continue the relationship. The weak rarely leave first–only if the strong force them by psychological pressure.
But, as the author points out, strong doesn’t mean manipulative or rogue. Often the strong want the relationship to work out well. They feel guilt, despair, embarrassment, self-doubt. They don’t understand why their feelings are cooling off. And often mask the cooling with excuses. The fading of the strong’s feelings can be caused by a deterioration of the weak’s appearance and intellect, or by his inconsistency with his partner’s perceptions.
But there are times when the strong physically and psychologically bully the weak. And this is a frequent theme of many literary works and movies. In addition, the strong side in the relationship is subject to what the author calls the “commitment and uncertainty syndrome.”
What does commitment and uncertainty syndrome express?
In its mildest form, the syndrome is expressed in the reluctance of the strong party to bind himself to the bonds of marriage.
Sometimes the relationship goes as far as marriage, but divorce will constantly loom on the horizon. A strong partner will be weighing up the pros and cons of marriage and is constantly tossing and turning. He may commit adultery and then offer his partner to live apart for a while. In doing so, the stronger party takes all the blame, convincing the weaker party that it will be better for everyone.
Do people always play only one role in a relationship?
No. Once the relationship with the weak one ends, the strong one is in danger of becoming one himself. Being in a relationship, the strong one doesn’t worry about anything. But if he has to win over a new partner, he will make mistakes typical of the weak party. As a result of this unpleasant experience, he may try to return to his weak partner.
Usually the weak wait a long time for the strong one to come back. And if he comes back, such a couple goes on a second honeymoon and the parties equalize.
But the strong one may again have a syndrome of commitment and uncertainty. As the author notes, at this stage it would not hurt for the couple to see a therapist.
After the separation, the strong may reconcile and accept their weak partner with all the shortcomings, because comfort, reliability and friendship are more important.
What is important to know about weak partners?
Falling more and more in love with a partner, the weak partner exaggerates the strengths of the strong partner and does not pay attention to the weaknesses. He may not pay attention to the alarm bells for a long time. Of course, with time he begins to notice that his partner loves him not as much as he does, but the weak person tries to change the situation in the usual way, pleasing him even more. His efforts have the opposite effect. As the author notes, the right action, on the contrary, is to relax and be natural.
Sooner or later the weak one realizes that his labors are not yielding the desired result and becomes angry.
But for fear of repulsing his partner with anger, the weak person constantly suppresses his negative emotions. Soon resentment can turn to hostility and hatred. Rage and helplessness can also cause excessive jealousy.
Weak people will do anything in the fight for their partner’s attention. Some people use strangers to make the strong one jealous. Others have the idea of having a child in order to bind their partner to them. Others lose patience and raise their hand against their partner.
What happens to the weak person when the relationship ends?
When a relationship ends, the weak person feels as if his whole world has crumbled. He projects his feelings to the outside world, finds refuge in sad movies and music, feels a kindred spirit in any person who understands him.
Filling the void with normal daily activities helps to restore the rejected weakness. The void is also often filled with spirituality and charity, shopping, mindless eating or, conversely, starvation, alcohol, drugs.
An effective way to fill the void is the “I’ll prove it to him” technique.
As the author notes, it has been the cause of a large number of very successful careers. The weak hope that if they reach the heights of work and gain a certain social status, they will make the strong regret leaving.
How to improve relationships?
The key to a good relationship is good communication. Silence or constant bickering will not bring your partner closer to you. Anger, criticism, resentment, demands further alienate people from each other.
To minimize resentment, you must abandon the accusations. Analyze in advance what you want to say. You can rehearse some of the lines in advance.
Do not jump into figuring out who started it first, leave questions of love aside. Because you will either get a dishonest answer, or one that you do not like. The discussion will be more effective if you stop worrying about how much who loves who. Discuss negative emotions, empathize with each other. Make jokes to lighten the mood. Make a plan of action for different situations.
What exactly does a weak person need to do?
Seek support from friends and family; be kinder to yourself and don’t lose touch with reality by stating things like “I will never get married and will always be single,” “I am not interesting to be with,” “I am too fat/tall/ bald/old.”
Set a reasonable distance, stop pleasing and changing your partner. You need to change yourself, trying to change the other is a futile endeavor. Take an inventory of your talents and develop your strengths.
What exactly does a strong man need to do?
Take your feelings as a leader for granted and don’t beat yourself up. Get rid of guilt, control anger, and try to look at your partner objectively. Use the strategy of trial intimacy as opposed to trial separation, so that the weak one gains confidence and control over his emotions, and the strong one can assess whether he can be closer to his partner.
Share little things, think through signs of love that are especially meaningful to your partner. Talk about worries and fears. Spend time with your partner qualitatively, not quantitatively. Don’t set conditions and be patient.
What if things aren’t working out?
Even if you work hard at the relationship and go to specialists, it is not always possible to resuscitate the relationship. If you come to the conclusion that a divorce or separation is inevitable, the author advises to do it with confidence for the sake of your own happiness and the happiness of your partner. If there are children in the family, do not use them as allies, do not accuse your partner in front of the children, do not make them parties to conflicts.
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